The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
