eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
