I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
