Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sorry my hands just texted you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
