I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
