I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
