if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
