Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
