I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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