There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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