Will you blow on my dice?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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