My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
