btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
