I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
