Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
