Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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