I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
