I wish I only lived at night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
