i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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