The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
