Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
