dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
