I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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