Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
