i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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