sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
