You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
