my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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