Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
