That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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