There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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