please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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