I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
