i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
