If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
