Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
