The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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