So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
