i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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