The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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