she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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