So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
