why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
