the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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