Apparently you make a good broom.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
