Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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