the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
