God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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