If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
