he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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